well, i'm in trouble...

Many of you will remember me ranting about a friend of my future wife's awhile back. This friend is a college professor who Kathleen admires and considers a very good friend, and each time they get together the time seems to have a negative effect of Kathleen's personality and treatment of me. Well, I'm in trouble as Kathleen is going to visit her pal tonight; so I'm in for a few days of agony...unless I put my foot down again and insist she stop emulating the negative persona of this other woman.

Be that as it may, I'm really not in the mindset to do so. I've had a pretty bad few days...and I think I can trace it back to last Saturday. Missing that tour stop was fairly significant for me; I'd been looking forward to it for several months. Unfortunately, monetary issues have raised their ugly heads, and I could not attend. That day was a pretty big let down. While I didn't let it show here at home, I can tell you I was pretty upset at having to miss the day. Granted, I didn't look forward to having my head handed to me, but I would have liked to have gone...if only for the social aspect of the day. Therefore, with the mindset I have right now (yeah, I know...I should shut up), I don't feel like stifling Kathleen's tendency to imitate her friend's superior act. So, I just be quiet. And that's not good for me, I know.

To compound that feeling, my bowling is in the proverbial toilet. I couldn't break 100 today, and left the lanes silently...with my head between my legs. I guess this is just a slump, and that I'll bowl my way out of it in due time, but that doesn't help my feelings now. Each time I step on the lanes, I expect I'll do well. However, when I don't, I take it personally as I'm the only one to blame when I do poorly. I carry the disappointment with me a lot; I know that. Granted, as one of my friends says, I should develop a "short term memory." But I want to do well...and when I don't see any improvement (let alone what I feel is regression), I get upset with myself.

And to make matters worse, the job situation isn't any better. My son's school district is going to get in touch with me next week regarding per diem substituting. And maybe I can get back in the game that way, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I just keep hanging in there, but it's very hard. I spend many days here at home, alone. And I don't have the means to go out and do things with my friends all the time as money is tight. Hell, I can't even offer to take Kathleen to dinner at the McDonald's around the corner!

So, if anyone has been wondering why I've been rather silent lately, that's why. When I feel the proverbial walls closing in, I tend to go within myself. Being an only child, I learned to do that at an early age--and it's a difficult habit to break. I find myself, even as I try not to, shutting myself off until things go better. This way, I don't feel as though I'm bothering anyone. Man, I'd be a therapist's dream, wouldn't I? Too bad I don't believe that sitting on a therapist's couch is the way to happiness and working out problems. But that's another blog entry all to itself.

Therefore, I'm alive...not to worry. I plod along and do my best. Maybe by the next update, I'll have better news for everyone. But thanks for the emails and well wishes. I'll be along soon.